Approximately 75% 80% 85% of the newbie, original posters in the Answer Center fail to return to acknowledge they read the posts warning them to avoid a scam. Each of those clueless members was automatically given a membership to the "Approximately 85% Nonreturnee Club".
To your left is a picture of the combined offices of the PayPal/eBay Incoming Call Center and the eBay Warehouse Facility. For quite some time, these premises were used after hours to host members of the Approximately 85% Nonreturnee Club.
We quickly learned that nighttime-only facilities were insufficient, and we needed a place for members that was open 24 hrs/day, 7 days/week.
As the club membership rolls grew, we needed a larger facility, dedicated to the needs of the increasing membership base. Since we collect no dues or fees, our budget was extremely limited. Thanks, however, to an anonymous donor, we were able to secure a long-term lease on this wonderful edifice, as shown on your right.
We feel that the new location has much to offer, in that it is closer to the city center, with all attendant advantages. Viewers may readily recognize the neigborhood as being one of the more exclusive areas in Chicago, IL.
In addition, the new facility has indoor plumbing that sometimes works, and separate rest rooms for male and female members. The extensive wooden decks provide scenic views of the surrounding area, and the stairways offer opportunities for healthful exercise and easy access to club attractions in the multi-level structure.
The spacious and well-kept grounds offer a controlled environment for members' children to play. If the weather is inclement, we provide a plentitude of Rattus Norvegicus for indoor petting fun.
Members are advised to bring raincoats during rainy weather, unless they wish to take advantage of the full-building ventilation system as a shower facilty. In addition, members are advised not to enter the basement, as it has not been approved by the health authorities, but has been featured in several monster movies. Please keep the basement door closed, to prevent the lovely green glow and tuneful burbling noises from disturbing other members.)
Prospective members have occasionally asked about our much desired sightseeing tours. We have a limited number of seats available in the tour bus, but members may provide their own transportation, and follow these signs to the eBay Warehouse Sale Announcements:
Plenty of free parking will be provided for Nonreturn Club members, if they present their credit cards to the parking attendant. Cards will be returned upon exit from the parking lot. (Please refrain from accessing your card for 24 hours).
Visitors to the warehouse are asked not to take photographs, as such are readily available at reasonable prices at the Warehouse Gift Shop.
We hope you enjoy your visit to the eBay Warehouse, where you can meet friendly eBay Agents who will assist you in choosing items that will soon empty your pocketbook and checking account. For those members who have some remaining cash, they even accept Western Onion and Moneygloom instant transfers.
This week's award-winning Agents include Guido and Salvatore, who have recently returned from an extensive trip to Europe and points East, where they made some excellent acquisitions of cars being sold by Sergeants and divorcees touring the continent.
Our Entertainment Committee just announced the acquisition of three new computers for exclusive use of the Approximately 85% Nonreturn Club members! Yes, members may now choose either a TRS-80 (shown at your left), Apple ] [ or Commodore computer to help them complete their transactions on eBay. (As yet, we have only one 300 baud modem, plugged into our pay phone, so communications are not yet at their optimum level, but several members have promised to aid us in reaching our goal of better living by better communications.)
Nothing is too good for our members! We have recently contracted with a itinerant Western Onion Instant Payment vendor to supply all our members' needs, at a significant discount. Members are instructed to listen for the bells (similar to those that used to be on ice cream trucks). Bring your cash (small denomination bills, please) to the rear alley, and deposit them in the bags provided. We GUARANTEE no overseas scammer will get your money!
We would like to thank the anonymous donor for this fine addition to the Nonreturn Club facilities. Members are sure to use the icebox to keep their snacks and drinks fresh and cool, while they are awaiting delivery of their vehicle by the eBay Agent.
In celebration of our increased membership, we are offering all new members a tour of the Glowing Green Room in the basement. Members are reminded that cameras are not allowed (the film would fog, anyway) and members must not feed any of the things they might see in the basement 
(several trolls from the Answer Center and Discussion Boards have taken up residence there). Full protective gear, including hip boots and breathing protection may be rented at the information desk. Sorry, we are out of lead loin girders, so gird your loins with something else.
The management is not responsible for any accident or injury that might be incurred as a result of the tour. If you notice a sudden suntan, or if you commence barfing blood, contact your physician immediately. Please observe all warning signs, and if your guide starts screaming, exit immediately by the nearest stairway (do not use the tunnels that might appear).
Our Entertainment Committe outdid themselves today. After collecting their percentage of Western Onion payment kickbacks, they arranged for free transportation to, and free seating at Wrigley Field - the Home of the Chicago Cubs. It was fortunate that we only rented a 1960 Volkswagen bus, because none of the Club members deigned to go. If they took advantage of the free trip to the ballpark, they might have seen this sign. Again, fortunately, not many people saw the sign, because it was shown on a day the Cubs were not playing. We thought such a day was appropriate for a visit from the Nonreturn Club members.
At last, we can announce that our negotiations for a new facility are complete! Another anonymous donor has promised us a site for a brand-new branch club, on a scenic island, in the San Francisco Bay, a mere 1 1/2 miles from San Francisco, California. This new facility will be THE place for new members awaiting delivery of their cars and other items from the "eBay Warehouse" in California. Hopefully the new facility will relieve some of the overcrowding in our Chicago facility, as the Club membership exceeded our wildest expectations.
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